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Daddy’s Issues – Chapter 4: What’s in a Name?

Welcome to the blog series; Daddy’s Issues, from Indie comic creator, Johnny Craft.  Come along chapter by chapter as this comic book writer explores the journey of expecting his first child and all the emotions and creative challenges that come along with it. 

Jovelyn Jade & Johnny

Baby names have been a hot topic around The Craft Household, lately. There is, surprisingly, a LOT of thought you have to put into the name your child will be stuck with for the rest of their life.

First, you have to take my last name into consideration. Craft. Arthur, Artemis, Artem, Arturo. OUT! Art Craft? Get the fuck out of here…

No jokey, punny names, either. Space. Air. Mine. Love. That’s a whole lot of NOPE. And, sorry little girl, Laura Craft will get you too much Tomb Raider flack. It’s also important to take childish insults into consideration. Anything that can be turned into a butt, fart, or poop joke can’t even be a contender in the name game. I remember being a total cock to people, over their names, when I was younger. I mean, fuck,

I used to torture a kid named Adam by calling him “Subtract-em” all the time. I will take that into consideration, though, the first time my kid gets in trouble for ball-busting at school. So. Many. Questions. What if it’s a boy? What if it’s a girl? Is it even worth trying to come up with a name, until we know the gender? How unique should we go? Is a family of three J first names too cheesy? Do we want to name him/her after someone (and if so, who)? I never thought naming my kid would be like taking a pop-quiz! I also have to take the size of my family into consideration. Jovelyn’s family is small, but mine is endless. I don’t have a family tree, so much as a family orchard. I suddenly find myself asking “What’s that one cousin that I have, who just had a baby? What did she name that kid? Was it a girl?” on a regular basis. I would have hated to have had another Johnny Craft in my family, growing up. I don’t want to stiff my kid with that problem, and the petty “Nah uh, I was born first, so I’m the real Insert-Name- Here!” arguments that come along with being a child.

Girl names are easy. My only rule is “She can’t share a name with a woman I’ve slept with”, which, YES it HAS created a few awkward moments between Jovelyn and I. There are so many girl names that I like, that I could definitely see my little girl having. Penny, Alice, Juliana, Gloria, Gail. There are a lot of cute little girl names. Plus, I love comics so a little Selina Craft, Kara Zorel Craft or especially (if I could impossibly talk my wife-to-be into it) Big Barda Craft would be amazing!

Boy names are a bit more difficult. Bruce Wayne Craft is way too lame, even for a huge Batman fan like me. Swamp Thing, Solomon Grundy, and Hellboy still aren’t out of the running, though.

Don’t judge.

I hate the current trend of Something-ayson or Something-den. No disrespect to my nephews Mason and Kayden, but it seems like every male baby lately is a Grayson, Brayden, Crayson, or Crayden. At least my homie Valerie cut the bullshit and went with straight-up Rayden. Maybe I’ll take her lead and name the little fella Sub-Zero. In all seriousness, though, I like Max. Classic, strong, even comic hero-ish. Max Craft. Calvin is always a name I’ve felt was under-used, as well. Plus, I’m a sucker for the alliteration, AND it opens up the gates for me to make plenty of Parliament jokes to the kid (“But you’re the capital CC. Gainin’ on ya!”) since that’s exactly what a child growing up in the 2020’s will love; 1970’s funk jokes, that aren’t even very good. I’m killing the dad-jokes already.

The trickiest thing about boys names, to me anyway, is the fact that a lot of names sound good for adults but not necessarily babies. Like, could you really think of a little baby Hank? Or a tiny little Fred? Admittedly, these could be the wacky thoughts of a person who likes to smoke a few blunts while writing about his ol’ Daddy’s Issues, but these are grown man names! My grandfather was Buford, which I actually don’t think is a very bad name, but for… my grandfather! I couldn’t picture a baby having that name. Right now, we are stuck with the gender-ambiguous, temporary name of Babylove.

Jovelyn and I will figure out the rest, at our twenty-week ultrasound. We get to finally know if Babylove is a boy or a girl. Do I buy Batman or Wonder Woman stuff? Time will tell. Boy or girl, I’m sure we will decide the perfect name for our baby. Even if we have a lapse in judgment, I’m sure little Bieber Sampson Craft or Madonna Comet Craft will have an amazing life, even if they hate us forever for their terrible names.

Johnny Craft is a comic book writer, who is constantly looking for new talented artists to bring his scripts to life. Johnny’s physical composition is made up of 20% ambition, 30% talent, 40% coffee, and 10% illicit drugs.

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